a strange invitation

so you want to be a rock star?
January 16, 2007, 6:12 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

so you want to be a rock star?…

It’s a twisted race to the bottom, and if you’re not dead by your 28th birthday, you’ve failed…

1. Release debut album with minor label, with small initial pressing funded either by a) your part-time job in a video store, or b) your daddy’s gold card. Release your record at the right time of year (preferably at the same time as the latest Stereophonics album), and if you’re lucky, NME will hail you as the new Nirvana/Whitestripes/Strokes. (Daddy’s gold card may also be helpful again here. Commence heavy tour schedule at packed tiny clubs that you will never again visit upon reaching stage 2. Stories of riots outside these venues permeate the music press.

2. Sign multi-million pound contract for a 5-album deal with Geffen at the first possible opportunity while both claiming solidarity with the independents. Rumours escalate concerning second album, with a number of superstar producers linked to the project, everyone from Jack White to Tina Turner are rumoured to feature as guest artists. Regularly featured in Hello! magazine, blind drunk and wearing a dress leaving the Met bar with a string of A list celebrities. Frequently deny any links with a number of super models and Hollywood actresses. “Mars bar” rumours (a la Marianne Faithful) prove unfounded.

3. Second album released to critical acclaim, and reported to outsell Michael Jackson’s “thriller”. Perform at a number of large, international festivals, which are fraught with scandal and missed performances. Lollapalooza sees you perform drunk for a total of 5 minutes before climbing on top of the speaker stacks and threatening to kill yourself unless someone actually brings you the moon on a stick. At this point it would be wise to pick another group within a similar (but slightly inferior) standing in the music press, and begin a well-publicised hate campaign. The most antagonistic party in this exchange is more likely to secure their position in rock history, so play dirty…

4. 3rd studio album plagued with difficulties concerning “artistic differences”. It is rumoured that you have been through 30 drummers during the first week’s sessions. Insist that album is completed in the Bahamas over the next 6 months while you develop a healthy cocaine addiction and spend your time messing about, fat & naked on the beach for the tabloids. Frequent comments rallying against the British music press are voiced, and frequent reports in interviews about how you don’t do interviews anymore, because nobody understands you. The working title of third album is changed from something extremely offensive and indicative of your ragged and depressed state of mind at this point, to something which will have fans marvelling at how fitting a eulogy the title appears on reaching stage

5. Violent public feuds with supermodel girlfriend rumoured to be fuelled by escalating alcohol and heroin addiction. At this stage, you’re an international, star, and amidst numerous failed treatments at the Betty Ford clinic as you drop in and out of the spot-light and/or reality, you should have some time to contemplate your own suicide. Be sure to choose a method that echoes your career philosophy, as it’s no accident that James Dean didn’t choose to take an overdose of anti-depressants, nor Elliott Smith to die in a drag race. If all published pictures in the press after your demise seem to show you gazing up to heaven like an angel, you’ve made it, welcome to the rock ‘n’ roll hall of fame. Then again, you’ll never see it…..because you’ll be dead.


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